Monday, August 11, 2008

Criminal Profiling Topic of the Day: Adultery IS a Big Issue and Not to be Taken Lightly

News of John Edwards' adulterous affair and now an Internet barrage of stories about John McCain's supposed affairs are seriously ticking me off. Not for the reason most people seem to be upset - that a cheating spouse is not that big a deal and it is a issue that should only matter to the parties involved - but, because adultery IS a big deal and I am sick of people making light of it.

Marriage is a commitment and a promise, and one of the major oaths taking during the marriage ceremony is one of faithfulness. What good is a relationship if the one you love is out screwing around and then lying to you every day and night? If this way the marriage is supposed to be, why bother with it? Just date and be clear that you have no intention of being monogamous.

Oh, what, but you want to have a family? Children? Sure, so lie about staying faithful so you can have the kids, then devastate your mate and break up the family, so your kids can have a rotten life. That sounds like a great plan. This way you can make all involved miserable including your in-laws, your friends, and the community you live in.

It should not be that hard to avoid sex outside of marriage. Finding a place to go alone with someone who is not your mate and getting naked with them doesn't happen by accident. It actually takes quite a lot of forethought and planning. Before one gets under the covers or into the back seat of a car, the thought has to cross one's mind that what one is doing is wrong, dishonorable, and downright cruel to one's mate. And one must know from that point on, a big fat lie is going to be injected into the marriage along with a lot of smaller lies such as "I had to work late," and "I really love you," and "I have no idea how you got that STD...have YOU been cheating on me?"

Worse yet, if you are in the public eye, your ethics and morals are a big issue to a great many. If you are lying to your spouse, you are also lying to the people who are electing you. Furthermore, you are putting yourself in a situation to be blackmailed which is a totally unacceptable position for an elected official to be in.

Finally, what is up with the inability of so many people to just be decent? So your marriage is having problems or your sex life is going through a bad spell. Aren't there many people who don't have sex for a long period of time because of religious beliefs or just a sense of pride? Do all single people have sex regularly or do some go without for years while waiting for the right person to enter their lives?

Here is where I stand: Anyone who commits adultery is a heel, plain and simple. Furthermore, I am sick of hearing that sex with someone other than one's spouse is acceptable during separation. Separated people are not divorced; they are married. Often one of the couple believes that the separation is a time for working out problems and that the marriage will ultimately survive. No one should be having sex with others until the ink dries on the divorce papers (and I am not going to argue in this post about various religious beliefs on divorce and sex outside of marriage). Only when both partners legally are no longer bound is moving on to another partner justified. For that matter, neither of the partners should even begin dating until the divorce is final and no single folk out there should take up with persons who are still married regardless of how long they have been separated .

Marriage is too important an institution to regard carelessly and treat as mere whim. I am saddened by how few seem to see it this way.

Criminal Profiler Pat Brown


Ronni said...

Not only that, but I think a person should wait a while after a divorce is final before starting to date. I think some down time to recover from the one that ended is necessary before plunging into another. Yet, the first six months after a divorce are a very vulnerable time for most divorced people, and they tend to need the affirmation that they are still attractive, or lovable, or something.

I am with you. If he can't keep his trout in his trousers, he's got no business spending MY taxes!

Pat Brown said...

You make a good point, Ronni. I think so much of the problem is the constant rush for sex in relationships as though this is the only thing that matters (maybe it is to some). Not only during that six months after divorce, but in ANY dating relationship, why is sex included so quickly? I think it is pretty sad, especially for women, that they equate people wanting to bonk them as some kind of validity of being attractive or lovable. Since some people will have sex with a dog, and I mean that literally, how is it a complement that the person want to have sex with you?

A true affirmation that you are worthy is a person who thinks you are great enough to get to know, court, and fan the fires of love with.

A great line from one of my favorite movies sums up what a woman should be waiting for:

As the couple separates and the woman must go back home to Pakistan, the Indian man looks at her and says, "Just remember, across the border is a man who would die for you."

Wow! Now THAT is a person who treasures you!

Preraphazon said...

You hit the truth when you say that people marry just because they want to have kids but have no intention of being faithful. Unfortunately, this is a pretty common M.O., and many men I've known over the years (they will tell me anything) will marry milder women specifically BECAUSE they know they will look the other way and not question their comings and goings. That is the whole purpose of, as they said on Sex in the City, "marrying beige." Sadly, not every woman willing to look the other way does it on purpose but simply because she is too trusting. But there are a lot who will make that sacrifice just so they can have security, raise a family, etc. It's a pattern as old as time, but that doesn't make it any more palatable in my book. I'd rather do without than live with that kind of hurt and degradation.

Because it is such a common event, I try not to mark down politicians any worse than I would anyone else for it, because I'm convinced that if men can, they will, and all powerful or famous men can. But I'd be a lot more impressed if some of them kept it in their pants at least long enough not to minimize the importance of fidelity to their entire listening audience.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely right Pat. When my husband walked out on his family after 15 years and I found out he was being seen out and about with his mistress I asked him what he thought he was playing at - I had managed to persuade him to go to Relate - and he answered "I'm separated I can do what I want". I told him no he wasn't he was married with two kids!. Men especially use this lame excuse. They seem to feel that as soon as they walk out the door anything goes.

Pat Brown said...

It really is sad. I don't understand how children can not be considered before amusement. It is one think to decide to divorce because there is abuse, either physical or emotional, and leaving is the only way to keep sane. Or, if both parties truly wanted to save the marriage but even after counseling they looked at each other and said this is pretty hopeless. Let's part friends and make sure the kids are as secure as possible. But, for one party to just get bored or greedy and walk out on spouse and children for no more reason than selfishness, this is mighty sad.

Irelands Lady said...

It's all too common. Men and women having affairs, breaking up, young teenagers bed hopping with eachother.
Married or not to eachother, sex should be love. I'm not one that would believe in "no sex before marraige" but I do believe that sex should be "love" and not rushed into. It is an intimate loving experience and should be treated as such but unfortunately these days it's as common in one night stands.
As for not having sex while seperated, unfortunately in Ireland, until recent years, divorce was impossible, illegal, and there were many many seperated couples, some battered wives, some because of infidility and many selfish reasons as well as valid, but I don't believe their lives should be put on hold because divorce was illegal. Many seperated people deserve a 2nd chance of love. People in Ireland were seperated for decades and never able to get a divorce, surely they can find love again.
Anyway, divorce is legal here now once a couple have been living apart and legally seperated for 5 years.
If my husband walked out on me tomorrow, I would not go looking for a relationship or love,(who in their right mind would want to :)) but if a couple of years down the line I found love, I would grab it with both hands. Even if the 5 years weren't up for divorce.
I think marraige should be taken more seriously, but if it does break down, and sometimes it does, even when both parties try very hard to make it work, 5 years is too long to wait for a sexual realationship if love is found again say after 2 or 3 years.

Anonymous said...

This really hit home, as my son left his wife for another woman. He & his Jezebel are still married to other people. He met her 5 years ago on Facebook, she is 24yrs with 2 children 4yrs and 1yr, different fathers, she doesn't know who the father of the youngest one is. She married her last husband 6 months ago! My son and my daughter in law have been married 10 years. She also dragged her children from South Dakota to Kentucky to shack up with my son. She had to take her 4 year old back to S. Dakota as the father took her to court and made her bring him back. So, she left the 4 yr old with relatives and came back to Ky without the 4 yr old. So sad, you know the little boy doesn't know what is going on. My daughter in law is going for her masters degree, is beautiful and is a good mother to their two boys. I haven't spoken to my son since Thanksgiving.