Criminal Profiling Topic of the Day: Does He REALLY Love Me?

Wow! Doesn't she feel lucky! She has met the man of her dreams - handsome, successful, rich, a rising star - a Tiger Woods, a John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Mark Sandford- and he loves her! He wants to marry her! Off she goes, happily believing that he cares deeply for her and will share a life with her that is meaningful, honest, forever.

And then she founds out. Her beloved husband has been catting around, coming home night after night, trip after trip, to her bed, making love to her, but after making love to someone else. He looked her in the eye time and time again and said, "I love you" and "I was so lonely without you in my hotel room" and "Of course, there is no one but you". But, the text message on his phone say differently, the condoms in his luggage, the photo in the National Enquirer.

Now she questions their entire relationship. What was she really to him? A conquest? A ticket to something? A son and daughter maker? She may never figure it out but there is one thing that is likely if she is married to someone with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder - she is a tool.

Politicians, famous athletes, movie stars - it often takes a serious case of narcissism to get to the top, to beat everyone out, to focus so heavily on one's rise. It takes a lot of confidence to believe in oneself to a level that allows one to trump the competition and to hang in doggedly to get the prize, to put everything else and everyone else on the shelf while one pushes on. Now, not everyone in these fields has such a personality disorder and some are lovely people with a strong drive to accomplish something or they have a passion for an art or a sport that just propels them forward. They still care about others and when they find someone special, they don't allow their career or fame to harm their mate in any way.

But, those with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder don't have quite that level of empathy for their spouse. They may LIKE their spouse a lot; she is attractive, hot in bed, helpful on the political trail, supportive of his career, great with the kids, etc. But, this kind of "affection" is similar to how one feels about one's car; you can REALLY like your car, polish it, tune it up regularly, enjoy the wind in your hair when you have the top down; but it's a car, you know; it can be traded in when you get bored with it or you can get an extra one if you like to change up. It is a tool, something very useful and amusing, but it is something you purchase and control the use of. For a narcissist, spouses can fall into the same category.

But, she won't be able to tell in the beginning. The narcissist can be very enthusiastic about the new addition to his life. Wow! She is pretty! She is nice to have on my arm! She's pregnant! She is going to have my son! Interestingly, some narcissists, after they are caught cheating, don't understand what all the hullabaloo is about because they still "love" their wives! After all, he didn't take her to the junkyard....he just rented a different vehicle while he was out of town. His feelings for her may not have changed at all because they were never the kind of feelings she thought he had for her in the first place.

It is a tough position to be in when you meet someone; how do you know what kind of person they are? All one can do is look to see if he or she is truly caring and empathetic. Stay in the relationship before marriage long enough to see if you are treated well and are truly special. If you are getting less than inspiring treatment or are just treated like everyone else, maybe you will find yourself part of a harem one day; you may be the Number One Wife, but he will be every woman's boyfriend.

Criminal Profiling Topic of the Day: Adultery IS a Big Issue and Not to be Taken Lightly

News of John Edwards' adulterous affair and now an Internet barrage of stories about John McCain's supposed affairs are seriously ticking me off. Not for the reason most people seem to be upset - that a cheating spouse is not that big a deal and it is a issue that should only matter to the parties involved - but, because adultery IS a big deal and I am sick of people making light of it.

Marriage is a commitment and a promise, and one of the major oaths taking during the marriage ceremony is one of faithfulness. What good is a relationship if the one you love is out screwing around and then lying to you every day and night? If this way the marriage is supposed to be, why bother with it? Just date and be clear that you have no intention of being monogamous.

Oh, what, but you want to have a family? Children? Sure, so lie about staying faithful so you can have the kids, then devastate your mate and break up the family, so your kids can have a rotten life. That sounds like a great plan. This way you can make all involved miserable including your in-laws, your friends, and the community you live in.

It should not be that hard to avoid sex outside of marriage. Finding a place to go alone with someone who is not your mate and getting naked with them doesn't happen by accident. It actually takes quite a lot of forethought and planning. Before one gets under the covers or into the back seat of a car, the thought has to cross one's mind that what one is doing is wrong, dishonorable, and downright cruel to one's mate. And one must know from that point on, a big fat lie is going to be injected into the marriage along with a lot of smaller lies such as "I had to work late," and "I really love you," and "I have no idea how you got that STD...have YOU been cheating on me?"

Worse yet, if you are in the public eye, your ethics and morals are a big issue to a great many. If you are lying to your spouse, you are also lying to the people who are electing you. Furthermore, you are putting yourself in a situation to be blackmailed which is a totally unacceptable position for an elected official to be in.

Finally, what is up with the inability of so many people to just be decent? So your marriage is having problems or your sex life is going through a bad spell. Aren't there many people who don't have sex for a long period of time because of religious beliefs or just a sense of pride? Do all single people have sex regularly or do some go without for years while waiting for the right person to enter their lives?

Here is where I stand: Anyone who commits adultery is a heel, plain and simple. Furthermore, I am sick of hearing that sex with someone other than one's spouse is acceptable during separation. Separated people are not divorced; they are married. Often one of the couple believes that the separation is a time for working out problems and that the marriage will ultimately survive. No one should be having sex with others until the ink dries on the divorce papers (and I am not going to argue in this post about various religious beliefs on divorce and sex outside of marriage). Only when both partners legally are no longer bound is moving on to another partner justified. For that matter, neither of the partners should even begin dating until the divorce is final and no single folk out there should take up with persons who are still married regardless of how long they have been separated .

Marriage is too important an institution to regard carelessly and treat as mere whim. I am saddened by how few seem to see it this way.

Criminal Profiler Pat Brown