Monday, March 15, 2010

Criminal Profiling Topic of the Day: Does He REALLY Love Me?

Wow! Doesn't she feel lucky! She has met the man of her dreams - handsome, successful, rich, a rising star - a Tiger Woods, a John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Mark Sandford- and he loves her! He wants to marry her! Off she goes, happily believing that he cares deeply for her and will share a life with her that is meaningful, honest, forever.

And then she founds out. Her beloved husband has been catting around, coming home night after night, trip after trip, to her bed, making love to her, but after making love to someone else. He looked her in the eye time and time again and said, "I love you" and "I was so lonely without you in my hotel room" and "Of course, there is no one but you". But, the text message on his phone say differently, the condoms in his luggage, the photo in the National Enquirer.

Now she questions their entire relationship. What was she really to him? A conquest? A ticket to something? A son and daughter maker? She may never figure it out but there is one thing that is likely if she is married to someone with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder - she is a tool.

Politicians, famous athletes, movie stars - it often takes a serious case of narcissism to get to the top, to beat everyone out, to focus so heavily on one's rise. It takes a lot of confidence to believe in oneself to a level that allows one to trump the competition and to hang in doggedly to get the prize, to put everything else and everyone else on the shelf while one pushes on. Now, not everyone in these fields has such a personality disorder and some are lovely people with a strong drive to accomplish something or they have a passion for an art or a sport that just propels them forward. They still care about others and when they find someone special, they don't allow their career or fame to harm their mate in any way.

But, those with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder don't have quite that level of empathy for their spouse. They may LIKE their spouse a lot; she is attractive, hot in bed, helpful on the political trail, supportive of his career, great with the kids, etc. But, this kind of "affection" is similar to how one feels about one's car; you can REALLY like your car, polish it, tune it up regularly, enjoy the wind in your hair when you have the top down; but it's a car, you know; it can be traded in when you get bored with it or you can get an extra one if you like to change up. It is a tool, something very useful and amusing, but it is something you purchase and control the use of. For a narcissist, spouses can fall into the same category.

But, she won't be able to tell in the beginning. The narcissist can be very enthusiastic about the new addition to his life. Wow! She is pretty! She is nice to have on my arm! She's pregnant! She is going to have my son! Interestingly, some narcissists, after they are caught cheating, don't understand what all the hullabaloo is about because they still "love" their wives! After all, he didn't take her to the junkyard....he just rented a different vehicle while he was out of town. His feelings for her may not have changed at all because they were never the kind of feelings she thought he had for her in the first place.

It is a tough position to be in when you meet someone; how do you know what kind of person they are? All one can do is look to see if he or she is truly caring and empathetic. Stay in the relationship before marriage long enough to see if you are treated well and are truly special. If you are getting less than inspiring treatment or are just treated like everyone else, maybe you will find yourself part of a harem one day; you may be the Number One Wife, but he will be every woman's boyfriend.


Preraphazon said...

You hit the nail on the head. And I used to think it was mainly celebrities or men with a particular advantage, "men who can," but the older I get the more I see that most men seem to be kind of narcissistic in that nothing is quite as important as whatever they want to do at the moment. Even though many are empathetic on some levels, I can't think of one I've run across that is empathetic enough that they are willing to give up whatever it is to keep from destroying their woman emotionally, whether it's going to a strip club, having affairs, or something as simple as giving up the occasional boys night to watch the kids. I know no one wants to hear it, especially women, but I just don't think most of them are wired to care as deeply as most women are, at least not in the same way. I do realize this differs culture to culture somewhat.

They have a code amongst themselves to protect women from finding out how true this is. They lie for each other and tell women what they know they want to hear and whatever it takes. It's a practice they find tiresome but necessary, and even though they make light of it a lot and are actually vocal about paying lip service to women, many women, especially young idealistic ones, cannot bring themselves to believe it's true because it would destroy their dreams of finding someone who cares as much as they do. Of course, these are the women men much prefer to date because they're easily fooled, and why so many men prefer young "undamaged" women. Never mind that they did the damage to begin with.

I worked with musicians for many years, and without exception, no matter how "committed" they considered their relationship with their wife or woman back home, they were with dozens, hundreds, even thousands of women a year. Many of them were proud of themselves for drawing the line at actual intercourse. To a musician, that is being faithful, doing everything but. The only one I ever ran across who seemed not to do anything extracurricular sexually nonetheless carried on a heavy emotional affair with a friend of mine. So it's not like he wasn't breaking hearts and still wreaking damage.

I am beginning to think the only difference between the celeb men and the ordinary ones is simply opportunity. If a man finds that a field of more desirable women is suddenly open to him that weren't before, I just can't name one that is willing or able to not take advantage of it. I know lots of women who don't have to work at being faithful because it's natural to them when they love someone and also because they wouldn't want to hurt someone. I have never heard of a man saying he can't imagine wanting another woman.

California Girl said...
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California Girl said...

Edwards and Hunter seem well suited for each other. She is now whining and crying about those horrible pictures of her in a semi nude/nude state. And how they will be happily ever after ad nauseum. When she is 50 and he is still out catting around, she will whine about that too.
Tiger Woods picked the same types for his "mistresses". There is another word for these women but I will use that one. For the most part, they are the fake boobs, lips and hair types who have maximized their 15 minutes of fame by as many trips in front of the media as possible.
Its the men and women who have problems. The wife may have no clue in the beginning but I am sure there are hints along the way. As for men being the worst offenders, I think its more even that we know. And musicians? I have to tend to agree for the most part. Getting the chicks is one of the perks of being a boy in a band (or singer or what have you). Not all are like that but I would say the majority.

Preraphazon said...

Edwards and Hunter definitely deserve each other, but I think now that he's footloose and hopefully given up on political life, he'll run amuck with women, the younger the better. I bet anything one of the reasons he's still playing house with her to some extent is just because he doesn't want her to spill all the beans. That's probably what she's holding over him. Hunter isn't all that attractive, which is probably what she was really crying about after the photo shoot - even though the photos looked filtered and fixed to the max to make them as flattering as possible.

I tend to think Tiger's wife was simply the first of the golddiggers. I don't automatically assume that just because you're the wife, you're any different from the rest of the women he pursued/pursues. I think if she stays it's all about money and some about the child.

Preraphazon said...

And now Sandra "America's Sweetheart" Bullock. Grrrrr. You'd think a guy married to a pillar of respect like Sandra would at least have the sense to make a public statement that they were separated or whatever before cheating, if for no other reason than self-preservation, because once a guy who everyone wondered whether he was good enough for her to begin with cheats on a highly revered woman like Bullock, his name is going to be mud and if he's not discarded like spoiled meat by everyone, including Bullock, I will be surprised and disappointed. Meanwhile, watch your girlie mags for lots of tatoo-model spreads.

Preraphazon said...

Oh, okay, Wikipedia says Bullock's husband was formerly married to a porn star, and they got custody of the child from that union. you have to ask yourself what Bullock was thinking, because that is a BIG red flag.

Pat Brown said...

I am so sad for Sandra. I really like her and it so sucks that she got done like that. As to why she picked Jessie. I can speak from experience as a women over fifty, unmarried now for six years, and hardly ever dating. Why? Because men of my age who want to date me tend to be of two sorts: blue collar fellows who are entranced by my celebrity (and they are sweet guys but I just don't do trucks and bluegrass and Bud...hehe..we just don't match) and total losers who have trouble getting anyone. Men who are successful and fit my lifestyle and education tend to want women twenty years younger...trophy cuties who fawn all over them and aren't competition. So, here is Sandra, probably does have trouble dating, runs into Jessie who woos her. Yeah, he is kind of a rough type but he is a self-made man and wealthy and in TV so he doesn't seem to be a golddigger and he tells her he made a stupid mistake with his ex-wife (and he is a good daddy and wiling to fight for his kids). She finally has found someone...lonely is not really fun sometimes. So, she goes for it and now she is paying the price. Very sad.

Preraphazon said...

Yes, all that is true, and it's also lonely at the top, hard to meet anyone except syncophants, can't even go out and mingle like normal people. And yes, almost without exception, appropriate men of equivalent age, as you say, are dating as young as is legal. Men and women just have very different sensibilities.

And how about that Mel Gibson? The disappointing parade just keeps marching on. It's not so much that he's mad because he didn't get a BJ - he's mad because he didn't get the BJ at the right time in relation to the jacuzzi. Hello.....Earth to Hollywood men....