Criminal Profiling Topic of the Day: Does He REALLY Love Me?
Wow! Doesn't she feel lucky! She has met the man of her dreams - handsome, successful, rich, a rising star - a Tiger Woods, a John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Mark Sandford- and he loves her! He wants to marry her! Off she goes, happily believing that he cares deeply for her and will share a life with her that is meaningful, honest, forever.And then she founds out. Her beloved husband has been catting around, coming home night after night, trip after trip, to her bed, making love to her, but after making love to someone else. He looked her in the eye time and time again and said, "I love you" and "I was so lonely without you in my hotel room" and "Of course, there is no one but you". But, the text message on his phone say differently, the condoms in his luggage, the photo in the National Enquirer.
Now she questions their entire relationship. What was she really to him? A conquest? A ticket to something? A son and daughter maker? She may never figure it out but there is one thing that is likely if she is married to someone with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder - she is a tool.
Politicians, famous athletes, movie stars - it often takes a serious case of narcissism to get to the top, to beat everyone out, to focus so heavily on one's rise. It takes a lot of confidence to believe in oneself to a level that allows one to trump the competition and to hang in doggedly to get the prize, to put everything else and everyone else on the shelf while one pushes on. Now, not everyone in these fields has such a personality disorder and some are lovely people with a strong drive to accomplish something or they have a passion for an art or a sport that just propels them forward. They still care about others and when they find someone special, they don't allow their career or fame to harm their mate in any way.
But, those with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder don't have quite that level of empathy for their spouse. They may LIKE their spouse a lot; she is attractive, hot in bed, helpful on the political trail, supportive of his career, great with the kids, etc. But, this kind of "affection" is similar to how one feels about one's car; you can REALLY like your car, polish it, tune it up regularly, enjoy the wind in your hair when you have the top down; but it's a car, you know; it can be traded in when you get bored with it or you can get an extra one if you like to change up. It is a tool, something very useful and amusing, but it is something you purchase and control the use of. For a narcissist, spouses can fall into the same category.
But, she won't be able to tell in the beginning. The narcissist can be very enthusiastic about the new addition to his life. Wow! She is pretty! She is nice to have on my arm! She's pregnant! She is going to have my son! Interestingly, some narcissists, after they are caught cheating, don't understand what all the hullabaloo is about because they still "love" their wives! After all, he didn't take her to the junkyard....he just rented a different vehicle while he was out of town. His feelings for her may not have changed at all because they were never the kind of feelings she thought he had for her in the first place.
It is a tough position to be in when you meet someone; how do you know what kind of person they are? All one can do is look to see if he or she is truly caring and empathetic. Stay in the relationship before marriage long enough to see if you are treated well and are truly special. If you are getting less than inspiring treatment or are just treated like everyone else, maybe you will find yourself part of a harem one day; you may be the Number One Wife, but he will be every woman's boyfriend.
