Saturday, March 1, 2008

Criminal Profiling Topic of the Day: Pet Profiler Right on the Money

Somtimes you just need a laugh and this pet profiler is spot on! Of course, I am a cat owner (two Bengels)so this analysis just put me on the floor. I don't know who wrote it and it is all over the net, but just in case you missed it, enjoy!

Pet Diaries

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates
and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I
make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless
must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In
an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at
their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However,
they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little
hunter" I am. The audacity!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard
that my confinement was due to someone's "allergies." I
must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of
my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I
must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly
released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is
obviously a loser.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating
with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every
move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an
elevated cell, so he is safe ........... for now...

Criminal Profiler Pat Brown

1 comment:

Preraphazon said...

I think I'd seen a shorter version of that. It's very funny, and so true. My cat always used to bring me live things. The worst was when she brought me two tiny baby bluejays, still alive. There they were sitting side by side, twins, like something out of a horror movie. I have paid Audobon Society SO much money to rehab birds over the years - but I still fight them on trying to make it illegal for cats to ever be outside, because that is cruel. All they know is hunting, really, and they need sunshine like everyone else.

So my cat is usually pretty generous about letting me appropriate her find, but the first time I took it and let it loose, she had an almost pitying look on her face that clearly conveyed that she thought I was a p*ss-poor hunter. Now when she has something, she gives me a look like "Back off, rookie. Why don't you leave this to the professionals."

Dogs are very easily amused and always forgiving. That's why there is really no one I hate more than someone who is cruel to them. The smallest things make them happy. I have one of my dogs on a little diet. We were all on the bed watching TV yesterday. She'd just come back in from outside. She was looking right at me, with her little pointy face, and I noticed her mouth looked funny, kind of puckered in front. Presently she dropped the whole pecan she had been hiding in her mouth. She had been straining to keep her lips together so I didn't notice it. When she dropped the nut, I threw it down the hall. Instead of bringing it back to me, she took back outside and hid it, and returned triumphant.

This was a very good day for a dog.