Saturday, July 7, 2012

Criminal Profiling Topic of the Day: Pat Brown, Serial Tea Kettle Killer

BOLO for serial tea kettle killer!!! A second victim of the tea kettle serial killer has just been discovered in Tucson, Arizona just some six months after the first victim was murdered in Lisbon, Portugal. The MO, however, remains fairly consistent. An unsuspecting tea kettle, one unrelated to the perpetrator and assaulted in the tea kettle's own home, was taken from its resting place on the counter and burned to death on the nearby stove.

Crime Scene Photo One
Victim Number One, a fine red electric tea kettle was taken from its base, filled with water, and settled, rubber touching electrical surface, on the front left burner. The perpetrator then turned the stove on high and left the room. Smoke soon billowed out from under the kettle and the perpetrator reentered as the tea kettle was breathing its last. The kettle's closest relative asleep in the next room was unaware of the ongoing homicide and the perpetrator quickly worked to eliminate the evidence. Said perpetrator later denied the murder, laying the blame on the victim, claiming the red kettle had the shape of a nonelectric sort and the cord was not plugged into the kettle at the time. The perp claimed she thought the tea kettle was a typical pot that would be used on the stove and was unaware of its rubber bottom.

Crime Scene Photo Two
Six months later, the tea kettle serial killer struck again in Tucson, Arizona. This time a copper kettle was home alone when the perp struck. This nonelectric kettle was filled with water, place on the front left burner as had been the first victim, and the heat set on high. The perpetrator then left the room and waited for the kettle to boil dry and burn itself to death. The perpetrator later claimed that the tea kettle was of the whistling variety and while waiting to hear the whistle, the perp busied herself with web surfing. The perpetrator claims the whistle was defective and the pot never whistled and, therefore, without the proper signal, she forgot the tea kettle was on the stove boiling which led to its eventual death.

Pat Brown, the suspected perpetrator of these two tea kettle homicides as she was in both locations at the time of the murders, is still free in society. We would like to warn the public to keep an eye on their tea kettles and be sure not to allow this woman into one's kitchen if there are any tea kettles present.

Criminal Profiler Pat Brown

July 7,2012

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Anonymous said...

Serial kettle killer Pat Brown has outstayed her welcome in two homes ...
Or do I misinterpret this horrible crime story ?

Pat Brown said...

The tea kettles were replaced with two new potential victims.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Fortunately this Pat Brown is not a serial frying pan killer. She cannot be. Otherwise we have "read on the internet" about the terrible fires and homeless families in Lisbon and Tuscon ... Replacing those victims wouldn't have been anything of a solace for anyone involved ;-)

AnnaEsse said...

Pat Brown would be welcome to come have tea with me as my kettle is obviously made of plastic and looks nothing like one that would sit on a stove. Kettle would therefore be safe and so would the coffee machine as it looks nothing like a tea kettle.

Anonymous said...

You're right, AnnaEsse.

Crime picture nr. 1 looks like a sad copy of an Alessi kettle [which do go on the fire], so this alleged serial killing Pat Brown is excused: it's an unfortunate accidental death.
And when a whistle doesn't whistle whilst one is engaged in other murder cases [time flies when you're having fun and on low sugar levels] it's yet another accidental death. No killing whatsoever, let alone serial.

I join your invitation and invite you too: I just happen to have 2 Saeco Royal espresso machines, which cannot be taken for anything else, and that in combination with the best of Italian arabica gold Lavazza coffee beans, freshly ground for every single cup, may make believe that this world is still worth living on :-)


Karen Anne RN said...

OMG, that's hysterical !

Gambler said...


I made an attempt at the same crime but in a different way.
Are's victim is a whistling kettle. In the morning my Mom or I put the water in the kettle. When we boil it we use the biggest burner, when not in use it sits on a smaller one. One morning my Mom had moved the kettle to the big burner, I figured its there because she's filled it already so I turn on the stove and go sit in the dining room while it boils. In no time it's whistling and I thought that's awful fast. I get to the kitchen and Willy is smoking, as he's bone dry. I was wrong, Mom had not put in water. I'm happy to say Willy is still with us, he'd just been abused a little. I also learned something new. Hot air will make a whistling kettle whistle.

Anonymous said...

Dear Pat, I read on Facebook [which I do not "do", so I react here]: "Why I believe Madeleine McCann is buried, in Monte do Jose Mestre & if I get the funds, I will search it. #McCann"
I do happen a ground search machine[no radar] that can find BIG quantities of metal up till 6 meters deep [for which reason I bought it, of course, living on a centuries old property in France :-)
], BUT which can also as a second mode detect CAVITIES underground.
I am absolutely willing to lend you this device, as well as to contribute to your travel & subsistence expense. If you're interested, contact me at

Best wishes,

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, Person-of-Interest Pat Brown should place measuring cup filled with water into microwave for 2.5 minutes in order to boil future tea water rather than murder an innocent tea kettle!

Ian bell said...

Info is out of this world, I would love to read more.
tea kettles